To me, depression is like a lock down! It’s when my body and mind protest in a most violent manner. When you are in that state, there’s nothing to appreciate, nothing to look forward to, until…. you get to the end of that tunnel, and start to analyze what happened.
對我而言，
抑郁癥就好像被關(guān)進了監(jiān)獄一般。我的身體和思想都用最暴力的方式抗議著。當(dāng)你在那樣的狀態(tài)下，沒有任何事物是值得感恩，值得期待的，直到……你走到那條隧道的盡頭，開始分析發(fā)生的這一切。
Here’s my own reflection: We all are taught from a young age to speak in a certain way, to act in a certain way, or even to like or dislike something.
以下是我的深思：我們都從小就被教育這用怎樣的方式說話，應(yīng)該有怎樣的行為舉止，甚至是應(yīng)該像什么或是不像什么那樣生活。
The voice of our inner being is repressed as we grow older, and we slowly get lost in the society that has expectations from us. Depression is the last call for awakening, in a very powerful and violent way. It tells me to respect my feelings, not rules, and it tells me to listen to my desires, not controlling them.
隨著我們的成長，我們內(nèi)心的聲音被
壓抑了，我們慢慢地在這個我們有所期待的社會中迷失了。抑郁癥以其有力的殘暴的方式，恰是覺醒的最后號召。它告訴我要尊重我的感受，而不是這些規(guī)則，它也告訴我應(yīng)該聽從我的欲望，而不是控制它們。
Now today, we are presenting another article from our beloved Nochy. Let’s hear what she says about her journey with depression.
今天，我們將呈現(xiàn)來自親愛的Nochy的另一篇文章。讓我們來聽一聽她的抑郁癥之旅。
Thank you, depression.
Depression changed my life – for the better.
This was unexpected. My physical pains and emotional agony were my wakeup call from a life I did not choose to live. It was my heart’s way of vying for attention, because I had ignored the
small voice inside of me for so long. The endeavour to be what others wanted me to be, to chisel into perfection the image society would laud and honour, over exerted my soul, body, and mind. I had enough. But I was stubborn and did not take a break. So mini-me decided to stomp on the emergency breaks as protest. I collapsed like an air statue suddenly devoid of helium.
謝謝你，抑郁癥。
抑郁癥改變了我的生活——把它變得更好。
這是意料之外的。我生理上的疼痛和情緒上的痛苦來自與我并未選擇的那種生活。這是我的心用其獨特的方式在求得關(guān)注，因為我已經(jīng)忽略這些來自我內(nèi)心的細微聲音太久太久了。這些為了成為他人期待著的那個我而付出的努力，這個為了雕筑社會推崇和贊美的完美形象而付出的努力，濫用著我的靈魂、身體和思想。我受夠了。但是我如此頑固，從未停歇。所以那個迷你版的我決定踩上緊急剎車來表示抗議。我像缺乏氦氣的空氣雕像一般瞬間崩塌。
Had it not been depression, I might still be running on a treadmill aimlessly, going nowhere, and doing something I did not love, even though I was good at it. I could have broken down more severely.
每一次我想到這些無法解釋的、黑暗的、混沌的日子，這些我無法控制自己的想法、情緒和行為的日子，這些我被疲倦和黑暗吞噬的日子時，我便內(nèi)心一緊。我并不想再過一次這樣的日子，我也不希望任何人會體驗到這般。
Every time I think of those inexplicable, dark, murky days in where I could not control my thoughts, emotions or behaviour, consumed by lassitude and anguish, my heart muscle winces. It is not an experience I wish to go through again or wish on anyone.
如果不是因為抑郁癥，我或許仍在毫無目的地踩著踏板，不知去向何方，也做著自己不熱愛的事，盡管我很擅長這一切。我卻可能會崩潰得更加徹底。
Yet, self-tortuous as I am, I do sometimes think I should relive those days.
If I had known about depression, and the metamorphosis I would undergo, I would have let myself embrace the destitute hopelessness to a fuller extent to reap the lessons more patiently. Instead, I was in a hurry to get out of the state. I was frustrated at having to take anti-depressants every day. I was angry with myself for not being able to “pull myself together” when everyone told me to. I did not understand what I was going through.
盡管糾結(jié)如我，我有時候仍希望能夠再體驗一次那些黑暗的日子。
盡管我之前就對抑郁癥，以及自己經(jīng)歷的這些蛻變有所了解，我仍希望我當(dāng)初應(yīng)該更耐心地去擁抱從陌生的絕望到更深一層次再到吸取那些教訓(xùn)的這個過程。相反，我曾那么急切地想要逃出那個狀態(tài)。對于每天服用抗抑郁的藥物，當(dāng)時的我非常煩躁。我對那個沒法聽從他人的指示振作起來的自己感到憤怒。我不能理解我當(dāng)時經(jīng)歷的一切。
However, when I was livid, distressed, in grief, in despair, in manic tears, in a tantrum, or simply rotting on my couch, I was at my most expressive time. Words tumbled out in my mind, thoughts penetrated through the subconscious, and suppressed emotions blossomed.
然而，當(dāng)我憤怒著，痛苦著，悲傷著，絕望著，躁狂地流淚著，任性著，或是頹廢在沙發(fā)上，我都在淋漓盡致地表達著自己。詞句從我的思想中傾落，感受從我的潛意識中滲透，被壓抑的情緒悄然綻放。
I wish I had written more of that down instead of swearing at my journal. I re-read one of the entries and all it said was “Fxxk this and fxxk that and fxxk life” etc. But there is no going back, and I do not regret how I faced this dark monster.
我希望我寫下了更多經(jīng)歷而不只是在我的日記中咒罵。我重讀了其中一篇，我當(dāng)時寫下的通篇皆是對種種事物的咒罵。但是時間一去不復(fù)返，我并不后悔我當(dāng)時是如何面對那個黑暗的怪獸的。
Indeed, I have qualms with painting such a bleak picture of depression. For a long time, I placed it across the enemy lines and made depression an opponent - something I had to win over, had to be stronger than, and more powerful than.
I tried to control depression. I tried to defeat it. However, that was exactly why depression consumed me.
事實上，我對于這樣刻畫抑郁癥陰冷凄涼的形象是感到不安的。有很長一段時間，我把它置于敵人線的那一邊并把它看作敵人——看作我必須要打敗的對象，我必須比它更
強壯更有力。
我嘗試著去控制抑郁癥。我嘗試著去打敗它。然而，這也正是為什么抑郁癥吞噬了我。
The more I fought, the more it entangled. The day I noticed the glimpse of aura (unlike the aura I saw at the onset of an excruciating migraine) beyond depression, the dark force shattered, fragment by fragment.
Depression is not foe; depression is friend.
我抵抗得越奮力，它就變得越難纏。我意識到應(yīng)該去領(lǐng)略那種超出抑郁癥本身的特質(zhì) （而不是看待令人難以忍受的偏頭痛開始時的那種氛圍），那黑暗的力量便一片一片地破碎了。
抑郁癥不是敵人，它是一個朋友。
As Buddha would say: pain is inevitable, but suffering is by choice.
Depression is an angel, to bring a message, but in a way we did not expect and so we cast it outside. We define it as negative because our learned conditional responses equated any pain or despair as negative. We hide under the comfort zone to commiserate with other victims of this illness. We judged it with preconceptions before it had a chance to be heard.
佛陀會說：痛苦是無法避免的，而遭受苦難是一種選擇。
抑郁癥是一個天使，它帶來一個信息，但是以一種我們沒有意料到的方式所以我們驅(qū)趕它。我們定義它為負面的是因為我們習(xí)得的條件反射把一切痛苦和欲望等同于消極。我們躲藏在舒適區(qū)內(nèi)同情著其他的患病者。我們在它有機會被認(rèn)識之前就已經(jīng)用成見去評判它了。
If I could, I would go through the same pain again. Only this time, I would not classify the pain as something to get rid of, nor would it be a treacherous shark. It was only by my own decision that I let the pain devour me. I would embrace the messages the pain wanted to deliver. I would listen to my body and my soul. I would look for the root causes of the situation instead of trying to get rid of the painful symptoms.
如果有可能，我愿意再經(jīng)受一次同樣的痛苦。只是這一次，我將不會把這種痛苦歸類為我要擺脫的東西，它也不會是一條危險的鯊魚。這種痛苦對我的吞噬是我自己的決定。我將會接受痛苦是會出現(xiàn)的這個消息。我將會聽從我的身體和靈魂。我將會洞察產(chǎn)生這一情況最根本的原因而不是僅僅擺脫這些痛苦的癥狀。
The pain is neutral; my suffering and my verdict that depression was an enemy, was subjective.
痛苦是中性的；我的遭受和我對于抑郁癥是敵人的判斷，是主觀的。
Once I opened up to it, listened to it, embraced it, depression became less threatening. Depression built my character, it reinforced self-awareness, it taught me to express my emotions, it brought me back writing, to cooking, and introduced me to Bearapy.
當(dāng)我敞開心扉面對它，聆聽它，擁抱它，抑郁癥就不再那么嚇人。它塑造了我的個性，它增強了自我意識，它教導(dǎo)我如何表達情緒，它讓我重拾寫作、烹飪以及向我介紹了小熊治療法。
Take your time.
Let depression be a guiding light to a better understanding of your emotions, thoughts and behaviour.
Let it build you, prepare you, train you to become greater than you dare imagine.
慢慢來。
讓抑郁癥指引你更好地理解你的情緒、想法和行為。
讓它塑造你，充實你，訓(xùn)練你成為那個你想象中更好的自己。
You will get better. You will be better.
And so again, thank you sickness, thank you depression.
(Originally published on NochNoch.com)
你會好起來的。你會好起來的。
所以再一次，感謝你疾病，感謝你抑郁癥。
（最初發(fā)表于NochNoch.com）
Today's story comes from Nochy, who sees herself as a gigglepot, a perfectionist, a bossy wife, the Bearalist, a fan of Dr Seuss, and an expert in making fish face impressions. Occasionally she works as a play consultant and writes about mental health issues, based in Beijing.
If you'd like to share your stories and experience with depression, mania and/or severe anxiety or stress, please contact us at: info@candlex.org
今天的故事來自Nochy，她自認(rèn)為是一個愛笑的人，一個完美主義者，一個霸道的妻子，小熊治療法的忠實擁護者，Seuss醫(yī)生的粉絲以及一個做魚臉表情的專家。有時候她是一個娛樂顧問并且寫一寫有關(guān)
精神疾病的文章，常住于北京。
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